The Wife – Part Three Page 4

  I get up and walk through the kitchen to the orangery, down to the pool room at the far end of the house. I go into my office, fire up my laptop and I check to see if he came straight home, after work. He didn’t. He went to see her. Or was she with him, in the car? Did he drive her home? Stop off for a quick one before he came back to me?

  I sit back, look out at the pool, at the last of the slowly setting sun as it hits the water’s surface, shooting patterns of light up at the ceiling. The swirling patterns of bouncing light are quite mesmerizing, and for a few seconds I just sit there, watching those patterns. And remembering, as I always do, when I’m in here.

  The sound of something clattering outside in the garden jolts me from my trance-like state and I cry out in shock, a short but loud gasp. Any sudden noise still puts me on edge, especially when I’m in here. When I’m alone, in here …

  I get up, look outside, and I see a cat scampering across our garden. He’s knocked over one of the terracotta pots on the summer house porch, that’s all. It happens a lot; that cat seems to like our garden, so I should be used to this by now. Those sudden noises, these random sounds. I wonder if I’ll ever get used to it.

  I take a minute until my breathing has slowed down before I head back into the house. I might have a bath, try to relax a little. Try to forget, for a while, that my once happy life is now a sad and lonely one. And it shouldn’t be that way, I won’t let it stay that way. I won’t.

  As I walk through the kitchen, I hear voices out in the hall. Michael’s, and Liam’s. I take another deep breath before I go any further, folding my arms tight against myself as I leave the kitchen and head into the hall.

  Liam sees me first, his glance over Michael’s shoulder brief but I catch the slightest of smiles on his face. I smile back. Michael turns his head, but I receive no smile from him.

  When did you become so cold, Michael? What guilt are you carrying that’s made you treat me this way? Is this all because I refuse to forget? Refuse to play along, pretend that things didn’t happen when we both know that they did? They happened, Michael … and I’m sorry …

  He turns back to face Liam, and they finish their discussion. They’re talking about some football game, it’s just a flying visit, they’re saying goodbye now. But before he goes Liam glances over at me again. He smiles at me, again, before he leaves. A smile Michael doesn’t notice, why would he? He’s already closed the door, he’s about to head back up to his office but he stops at the foot of the stairs. He looks at me, at the palm of my hand decorated with plasters. It’s been a few days since I accidently picked at the scabs there, but they’re still healing.

  ‘What’ve you done to your hand?’ he asks. It’s the first time he’s shown any interest in my well-being in a while, and I feel oddly happy about that. I’m snatching for scraps, anything that makes me think he’s still in there. My husband.

  I turn my hand palm upwards, look down at the plasters. They need renewing again. They’re starting to curl upwards at the edges, the packet might say they’re waterproof, but they’re not.

  ‘I knocked it, at work. It reopened one of the cuts, that’s all.’

  The lies trip off my tongue now. Do they trip off his, too?

  He takes my hand and runs his thumb lightly over my palm. He stares into my eyes, and for the briefest of moments I feel a flicker of hope. I see my husband.

  ‘You need to be more careful,’ he whispers, and he sounds almost caring. He then starts to make his way back upstairs, taking them two at a time. Is he that desperate to escape me?

  ‘Michael?’

  He stops just before he reaches the landing.

  ‘Nothing. It doesn’t matter.’

  I don’t know what I was going to say. Maybe I’d just hoped something would come, something that would make him want to stay down here, with me.

  He sighs, turns back around and disappears from view. I hear him walking up the stairs to the top floor, hear him close his office door. He’s gone. That’s where he’ll stay until it’s time for bed.

  I sit down on the bottom stair and glance at the security monitor by the door. It’s quiet outside, but there’s a slight breeze blowing, nudging the leaves and flowers of the potted plants and shrubs lining the driveway. And it’s dark now. I should be cooking dinner but I’m not hungry. I don’t think Michael is, either. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to be in this house, tonight. I don’t want to spend another lonely evening downstairs, alone, while Michael hides away in his office.

  I pull myself to my feet and go to get my coat, my hand brushing Michael’s jacket as I reach for it. The same jacket he was wearing at his lecture this afternoon. He put that scrap of paper he wrote on – something she showed him on her phone, he wrote it down and he slid it into this jacket pocket. I’m looking for it, but it’s not there. His pockets are empty.

  Slipping on my coat I glance upstairs. Should I tell him I’m going out? And then I remember, there’s no need to tell him. He won’t even notice I’ve gone.

  Chapter 6

  ‘Does Michael know you’re here?’ Liam closes the door behind me and I follow him into the living room.

  ‘No, he doesn’t. He won’t even know I’ve gone out.’

  Liam slides his hands into his pockets and looks at me. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘He makes me feel like I don’t exist.’

  ‘Is that why you come to me? Do I make you feel like you exist?’

  ‘You know that’s why I come to you.’

  ‘And what happens if Michael stops being this cold towards you? Is that it, for you and me?’

  ‘Yes. Liam, come on, you know what this is for me. You know all it is for me.’

  ‘And what if it’s something else, for me?’

  I frown, I wasn’t expecting this. I’m not in the mood for analyzing relationships. ‘We don’t have feelings, Liam.’

  ‘No, Ellie, you don’t have feelings.’

  Maybe I shouldn’t have come here. I don’t want this, it’s confusing. ‘I should go.’

  I start to walk out the door but he runs over to me, grabs my arm. He stops me, from leaving.

  ‘No, Ellie, please. Stay.’ He swings me around, slides an arm around my waist. He pulls me against him and he kisses me slowly, his hand cradling my cheek and I melt into him. ‘Stay the night,’ he whispers. ‘Leave Michael on his own, teach him a lesson. Let him worry about you. I want you to stay, Ellie. With me.’

  I look up at him. He’s serious, he wants this, but I’m not sure. What he said just then, I don’t know where that’s coming from. He’s saying things now that are playing on my already messed-up mind. He’s complicating a situation that can do without any more crap being heaped on it.

  ‘I don’t know …’

  He drops a hand to my hip, slides it around so it cups my bottom and I try not to gasp, but I can’t stop it from happening.

  ‘Stay,’ he murmurs, his mouth resting on mine, so close his breath is my breath.

  I nod. I don’t want to go back home. I don’t want to go back to the man I love, because it’s too painful. Too hard.

  ‘I’ll get us some drinks.’ He lets me go and I watch him leave the living room, his long-legged swagger so different to Michael’s.

  I walk over to the window, look outside at the quiet suburban cul-de-sac. This house is on the market now. Liam’s marital home. He’s been looking at apartments and houses closer to Newcastle, where his offices and laboratory are. He wants rid of this place, it holds too many memories. And we all have memories we want rid of, don’t we?

  I close the blinds, I shut out the world. It’s the way I like it, the way it’s going to be, until the world I want has been put back together.

  ‘Beer?’

  I swing around at the sound of his voice, smile at him as I take the beer he holds out to me. ‘Thanks.’

  I sit down on the couch, cross my legs up underneath myself, taking a swig of beer as I watch him look for some music to play. The ha
unting intro to Pink Floyd’s Shine On You Crazy Diamond floods the room, and I smile at him again as he sits down on the chair opposite me.

  ‘You saw them live too, didn’t you? Earl’s Court, ‘94?’

  I take another swig of beer. Give him another smile. ‘This was the set opener. The first song they played.’

  His eyes lock on mine, and already I’m beginning to feel better. My head’s clearer, I don’t feel so sad anymore. I don’t feel alone.

  ‘I love you, Ellie. You know that, don’t you?’

  His words slam into me, knocking the wind right out of me, but I don’t break the stare.

  ‘I’ve always loved you.’

  He knows the score. He knows I can’t love him back, how can I? I love Michael. I love my husband.

  ‘You shouldn’t.’

  ‘Marrying Keeley, that was a mistake. I just – seeing you with him. With Michael. It fucking hurt, Ellie, that you chose him over me.’

  ‘I didn’t choose him over you, Liam. It wasn’t like that. I had no idea you and Michael even knew each other, not until I saw you at our engagement party.’

  He drops his gaze, but I keep mine steady, keep it focused on him.

  ‘I should never have let you go.’

  ‘You didn’t let me go, I left you. I stopped returning your calls, I ignored your texts, I just walked away. What we had was nothing, it meant nothing.’

  ‘It means something now.’

  ‘To you. I’m not leaving Michael, do you understand that?’

  ‘What if he leaves you?’ He looks back at me, his eyes dark, verging on angry. ‘What if he’s already gone?’

  ‘He won’t leave me. He loves me.’

  ‘So much that you think he’s fucking one of his students?’

  I slam my beer down on the table beside me, get up and head for the door, but before I reach it he’s seized hold of my hand and swung me into his arms. His mouth crashes down onto mine before I have a chance to protest, his fingers clawing at my clothes and he’s got me, I’m all in. I’m tearing at his shirt, pulling off his belt, I’m desperate to feel him now, even though I should walk away after what he said, but how can I? I walk away and I have nothing, no escape. I’m alone, if I walk away. I don’t want to be alone. I like the way he makes me feel, I need him.

  It’s rough, hard, fast sex. The release we both need, we obviously have our own frustrations we need to vent. I scratch at his skin, bite down on his lip. My hips crash against his as he thrusts into me, there’ll be bruises I won’t even have to hide – Michael and me, we have sex so rarely these days. But that’ll change. One day. Soon. And by that time the bruises will have disappeared. The scratches will have healed.

  Hot, hard, frantic sex, it’s what keeps me functioning. Keeps me focused. But I don’t love Liam. I love my husband.

  He pulls out of me, steps back from me, and I close my eyes, I wait for my breathing to slow down. I wait, before I look at him.

  ‘You don’t love me, Liam. Things have just been crazy these past few months, everything’s confusing and …’

  ‘You don’t know how I feel, Ellie.’

  I hold his gaze, my eyes burning into his. ‘I don’t know how I feel.’

  He sits down on the couch and drops his head into his hands, dragging them both back through his hair.

  ‘I only married her – I only married Keeley because I thought it would help me get over you.’ He slowly raises his gaze. ‘It was a knee-jerk reaction.’

  ‘She didn’t deserve that.’

  ‘No. She didn’t.’

  ‘Did she know? Keeley? Did she know, that you only married her as a distraction?’

  ‘Of course she didn’t know. And in the end she left me, so I got what I deserved, right?’

  I go over to him, crouch down in front of him, take his hands in mine, running my thumbs lightly over his knuckles. ‘I love Michael, Liam.’

  He lets go of my hands, stands up, starts pacing the floor, raking a hand back and forth through his dark-blonde hair. ‘Then why are you here, Ellie?’ He stops pacing and turns to face me. ‘Why are you here, fucking me, if you love your husband?’

  ‘You know why, Liam.’

  He holds my gaze, his eyes boring into mine. ‘You really think he’s having an affair? Or, is this all just something you’re seeing in your own mind because you don’t want to believe that what happened to you both was something that can’t be fixed?’

  I shake my head, fold my arms against myself. ‘That’s not fair. We’re broken, but I can fix us.’

  ‘You really think that?’ He comes over to me, rests his palm against my cheek. ‘Maybe you just need to face up to the fact you and Michael are over.’

  I push his hand away, sit down on the arm of the chair. Is he right? Am I really seeing something that isn’t there?

  ‘Ellie, I’m sorry, okay? I just – I think you need to take a step back, look at the facts …’

  ‘You have access to drugs, don’t you? At your lab?’

  He frowns. My sudden change of subject has thrown him slightly. ‘Yes, but …’

  ‘Truth serums. They exist, right?’

  He sits down on the couch, clasps his hands together. ‘Yes, in theory …’

  ‘Can you get hold of any?’

  He laughs. I don’t think he believes what he’s hearing. Does he think I’m crazy? Does he think I’m losing it? Maybe I am. But I’m desperate now, to know the truth. Because I don’t think I am seeing something that isn’t there. I think it’s all very clear, I just need some proof, that’s all.

  ‘Ellie, come on, are you serious?’

  Deadly.

  ‘I can’t just walk into the lab and walk out with an armful of drugs, it doesn’t work like that. I mean, what the hell do you think you’re going to do, huh? Even if I could get hold of anything remotely like that, what would you do with it? Slip it into his food, spike his drink? The effects of drugs like that – they’re not even proven to work, not to mention the legal and ethical issues they throw up. What the fuck is going on in your head right now?’

  I get up and walk out of the room, into the kitchen, and he follows me, of course he does. He grabs my arm and spins me around. His expression is a mixture of pity, frustration, anger. ‘You’re scaring me now, Ellie, do you hear me? You’re really scaring me.’

  ‘You won’t help me?’

  ‘To break the law? No. I won’t. Do you have any idea of the kind of shit I could get myself into by helping you like that? It’s ridiculous.’

  ‘So, maybe I should just ask him outright? If he’s cheating on me, if he’s fucking one of his students. I should just ask him outright. Is that a better idea?’

  ‘Better than drugging him, yes.’

  I wrench my arm free of his grip and walk over to the counter. I pour myself a large shot of vodka and swallow it down in one mouthful, the clear liquid burning my throat. It’s a feeling I’m used to, one I need.

  ‘Or you could just try and accept what’s happening.’

  I look at him, I tilt my head to one side, and I frown. ‘And what is happening, Liam?’

  ‘You and Michael are drifting apart, it happens. What you guys went through, it would put a strain on any couple …’

  ‘Me and Michael aren’t just any couple.’

  ‘Aren’t you?’

  ‘You’re supposed to be his best friend.’

  ‘Best friends don’t sleep with their mates’ wives.’

  I turn away from him, pour myself another vodka. The alcohol’s going straight to my head because I’ve had nothing to eat for hours, and it’s the first time I’ve really felt the effects in a while. I like it.

  ‘He just needed a distraction, Liam, that’s all. He needed something to help him deal with what happened.’

  ‘What did happen, Ellie?’

  I turn around, look right into his eyes. ‘You know what happened.’

  ‘I wasn’t there.’

  ‘You know what happened.’
I resist pouring another drink, I think it would push me over the edge. ‘And I don’t want it to happen again.’

  ‘He didn’t know he had some crazy stalker student, Ellie.’

  ‘But he knows about this one.’

  He narrows his eyes, and scoffs quietly. He really does think this is all in my head.

  ‘I need to find out, if he’s sleeping with her. I just need to know.’

  ‘And then what?’

  ‘I’ll deal with it.’

  ‘How?’

  Whatever it takes. That’s how. But I don’t tell him that. I don’t tell him anything.

  He reaches out and pulls me into his arms, and I willingly fall against him. I’m too tired to talk any more, too exhausted to think straight.

  He kisses the top of my head, his fingers sliding into my hair and I hold onto him. My safety net, my rock. Without him I’d have fallen a long time ago. He saved me. He’s saving me. Isn’t he …?

  Chapter 7

  As soon as I wake up, in a bed that isn’t mine, I panic. I regret staying out all night, what am I going to tell Michael? And then I remember. He’s going to Cardiff next week. Without me. With Ava?

  I look at Liam, still asleep beside me, and I slip carefully out of bed, go into the bathroom. I don’t want to wake him yet. I need some time alone to think. Did I really ask him to get hold of a truth drug for me? Have I been watching too many movies? Looked at too many websites that are filling my head with outlandish ideas?

  Looking in the mirror I see a woman I barely recognize staring back at me. I’m struggling to know who I am anymore, and there are times when I’m truly scared of what I’m capable of. And times when I know it’s those moments that give me the strength I need to get through this. To fight for my husband. I know what I’m capable of. I know what I’ve done, and I survived, didn’t I? Even if my baby didn’t.

  I quickly brush my teeth before going back into the bedroom. I don’t even know what time it is, but it’s daylight outside so it can’t be that early, and then I glance at the clock and I see it’s just gone six. It’s very early. But I wake early a lot these days, that’s what happens when you have a lot on your mind.