The Wife – Part Three Page 6

  Liam drops his head and backs away from me. But he doesn’t say anything. He remains impassive. Stays silent. And then he looks up at me and I realize how much I need this man. If I push him away I’m left with nothing. I really am alone.

  ‘I’m sorry, Liam.’

  He comes back over to me. He tucks a finger under my chin and tilts my head up, kissing me firmly on the mouth, forcing my lips apart with his. I reach out and grasp his t-shirt, pulling him against me, the kiss deepening, his mouth pressing harder against mine as he pushes me up onto the counter. He knows what I need, he knows how to fix me. At least, for now. He knows.

  He’s inside me. I feel him, invading me. But I want him there. I wrap my legs around him and lose myself in sex that means nothing and everything. I hold onto him, rest my chin on his shoulder as he thrusts into me, my eyes fixed on a photograph of me and Michael on the dresser. Me and Michael. Happy. In love. My husband’s bright, beautiful smile lighting up his handsome face as he looks at me. He loved me then. He’ll love me again.

  I close my eyes, dig my fingernails into Liam’s back as he comes, and I try to drag myself back to where I need to be – in the moment. I need to feel that release, that’s why Liam’s here.

  I take his hand, I put it between my legs and I look at him as he touches me. I stare into his eyes as he brings me to a slow, calm climax, and all the time I don’t take my eyes off him. It’s intense, yet, at the same time, I’m not really sure what I’m feeling. There are so many parts of me that are still numb. Maybe he can’t fix all of me.

  He pulls his hand away and steps back from me, turns around and walks away. He senses I’m not in the mood for anything more than what he’s given me. He knows me, better than Michael does. He knows me, and he knows he’s done what he needs to do.

  He leaves the kitchen and heads upstairs. I slide down from the counter, go over to the dresser, picking up that photograph of Michael and me. I struggle to remember those happy times, even though they far outnumber the dark ones we’re so used to now.

  Putting the photograph down I open the top drawer and reach inside, to the very back of it, feeling around until I find what I’m looking for. Another crutch. Another thing I need to help me get through each day.

  I take the bottle over to the sink and pour myself a glass of water, swallowing down two of the pills, closing my eyes as they slide effortlessly down my throat.

  ‘What’ve you just taken?’

  I spin around, I hadn’t heard him come back downstairs.

  ‘Ellie?’

  ‘They’re for anxiety. They’re herbal, nothing dangerous.’

  He strides over to me, takes the bottle from my hand and looks at the label. ‘Were these prescribed by your doctor?’

  I walk over to the window, wrapping my arms around myself as I look outside. The sun’s already high in the sky, casting shadows over the garden, making everything look picturesque and pretty. The garden I should have been sitting in, reading a book while my baby lay beside me, shielded from the spring sunshine. Sleeping.

  ‘Ellie? Where did you get these?’

  ‘I bought them online.’ I turn around to face him. ‘They’re just herbal, Liam.’

  ‘Jesus Christ …’

  ‘It’s nothing sinister. They help me cope with being here alone, that’s all. You know how hard it is for me to be in this house on my own.’

  ‘You’re not on your own, are you? I’m here.’ He shoves the pills into his pocket. ‘You think I don’t know what these are, Ellie? I work in pharmaceuticals, for Christ’s sake, I know this shit. You’re done with these.’

  I’m not going to argue with him. I should’ve been more careful, knowing he was here.

  He comes over to me, and reaches out to touch my cheek. He smiles, and I smile too. I feel better when he’s here, but when he isn’t, I need something else to get me through each day, because I feel like they’re all gradually becoming darker; like the world is slowly closing in around me, and I can’t face that alone. I need something to keep me strong, to help me do what I need to do to get me and Michael back to where we need to be. Because what I might have to do in order to achieve that … I need that strength.

  ‘Go get dressed and we’ll go for that walk. Okay?’

  *

  It’s a beautiful day in Durham City. We’ve taken a walk through the busy centre of town, looked in the shops, visited the cathedral. Liam knows it’s a place that gives me peace. Just standing outside, looking up at it, I instantly feel a rush of calm, even though I know it’s only temporary. Like sex with Liam. Temporary rushes of calm. I’m taking them all.

  He held my hand, as we stood outside the cathedral. We shouldn’t show any signs of affection when we’re out in public, especially when we’re here in Durham, there are too many people who know us. Our secret could become exposed, but his touch was discreet. He slid his hand into mine and he squeezed it tight, for the briefest of seconds, just long enough for him to let me know he was there. He was with me.

  Now we’re down by the river, sitting on a row of stone steps that lead down to the water, watching the rowers glide elegantly across it, their coordinated strokes mesmerizing as they push their boats along in a seemingly effortless motion. The cruiser is out today too, chugging up and down the River Wear, its outdoor deck full of people taking in the views of the cathedral and castle. It’s a peaceful, beautiful day. But there’s nothing peaceful or beautiful about my world now. My husband is in a hotel, because he can’t live with me. My marriage is broken, because he can’t leave his distraction alone. I’m lonely, but determined not to stay this way. Each day I try to summon up a new charge of energy, a new reason to climb out of bed and keep going, because there have been times when carrying on wasn’t something I wanted to do. But then I think of Michael. And Ava. Of what I need to get back, no matter what. I have a reason to climb out of bed each morning. I have every fucking reason.

  ‘What if he doesn’t come home?’ I’m not sure I meant to say those words out loud, I was thinking them. But they’re out there now.

  Liam picks up a stone and tosses it into the water, and I watch as it skims off the surface, bumping over the water in short, sharp hops before disappearing from view.

  ‘Do you want him to?’

  He looks at me, and I frown. ‘Do I want him to come home? Of course I do.’

  Liam turns his head away from me, picks up another stone, tossing that one into the water too. ‘Did he give you an ultimatum?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  He looks at me again. ‘You know what I mean, Ellie.’

  I start twisting my wedding band around my finger. ‘He wants me to move on.’ I shrug. ‘It’s all he’s ever wanted me to do.’

  ‘So why don’t you just do that? If you love him that much, why don’t you just let it go?’

  ‘Because it’s not that simple.’

  ‘Isn’t it? You went through a lot, Ellie, there’s no question of that, but sometimes moving on is the best way to deal with it.’

  ‘It isn’t that simple,’ I repeat.

  He frowns, he doesn’t understand. Nobody understands. ‘Why not? I mean, if you’re still finding it that hard to deal with, why not go back to counselling?’

  ‘More counselling isn’t going to do any good, Liam. Believe me.’

  His eyes lock on mine, and I feel a cold shiver tear up my spine, despite the warm sunshine on my back.

  ‘We could leave here, Ellie. Me and you, we could just walk away. Leave all this shit behind. We could start again.’

  I look down at my fingers still fiddling with my wedding band. ‘You knew the score, Liam.’

  ‘I love you, Ellie …’

  I raise my gaze, hold his stare. ‘You knew the score, when we started sleeping together. Don’t make this into something else.’

  He looks out ahead of him, clasping his hands together between his knees. ‘Michael was my best friend. From the day we met, back in our university days, I knew
he was going to be in my life for a long time. He was like a brother to me, yet the second I saw him with you …’ He turns his head to face me, his eyes boring into mine, ‘I hated him.’

  I swallow hard. He doesn’t mean that. He doesn’t. ‘You don’t hate him, Liam.’

  He stares down at his clasped hands. ‘Maybe hate’s the wrong word. I resented him. I resented you, for choosing him.’

  ‘I didn’t choose him …’

  ‘What made you want him, and not want me? What made him so different?’

  I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t need this. ‘It was just timing, Liam.’

  He stares out ahead of him again, and I’m not sure what’s happening here. I’m confused. Those pills I took this morning, they’re not working, they aren’t easing my anxiety, they’re not helping me cope.

  ‘All those years, I resented him. For having you.’

  It never felt that way. I never knew he felt that way.

  ‘We can all put on an act, Ellie.’ He turns to look at me. ‘Can’t we?’

  Chapter 9

  I pull the car into the parking space and turn off the engine. Yesterday’s sunshine has given way to a cloudier Sunday, the grey sky scattered with heavy dark cloud. Rain’s threatening. Heavy showers are forecast. A storm could even be on the way.

  I sit back in my seat and take out my phone. I’m checking Michael’s here, in the hotel. It wasn’t hard to find out where he was staying, given that I’m tracking his every move. And now I need to know if she’s here, too. If he’s taking her to Cardiff. I need to know.

  I’m giving him the space he so badly seems to want, but I’m not leaving him alone. He thinks it isn’t my business, that Ava isn’t my business, he thinks I don’t need to know what’s going on. He’s wrong.

  I slip my phone into my pocket and get out of the car, locking it before I make my way inside. I won’t let him see me, of course, but I need to see him. I need to know if he’s alone, or if she’s here with him. Is that why he really wanted to spend the weekend at a hotel? Maybe he isn’t taking her with him, maybe he just wanted some time alone with her before he had to go. My stomach tightens as a barrage of yet more irrational thoughts and theories flood my brain, they’re relentless. Always nagging away at the back of my mind, giving me reason to think the worst. Because the worst could be happening.

  It’s busy inside the hotel’s reception area, and that gives me a chance to slip by unnoticed and find a seat that gives me a good enough view of the lifts and the entrance. I can also see the corridor that leads down to the bar and restaurants. If he’s still in the hotel, which the tracker tells me he is, then I’ll see him, if he comes by here. And I could be here for hours, I don’t care. I’ve brought work, magazines, I’ll be fine. I can wait.

  I settle back in my chair and look outside, up at the rapidly darkening sky. I’m sure I can hear a rumble of thunder somewhere in the distance; it looks like that storm might be coming. But it doesn’t seem to be bothering everyone outside, not those heading the short distance to the airport anyway, dragging their luggage, and in some cases their kids, behind them. A lot of them will be heading off to sunnier places, holidays. I idly wonder if any of them are travelling to Spain. A country Michael and I loved. Is he planning to take her there one day?

  I snap out of those thoughts, bring my attention back to the hotel foyer. I can’t afford to lose concentration, I don’t want to miss him. I pull out a file from my bag, start skimming over the notes from a meeting Carmen and I had last week regarding the spa becoming a wedding venue, but it’s nothing more than a cover, something to make it look like I’m just another businessperson. This hotel will be full of them. It’s easy to blend in here.

  My phone vibrating in my pocket distracts me, and I hurriedly pull it out, it might be an alert. Is Michael making a call? No. It’s nothing. Just a message from my network provider, telling me about some deal or other. I’m not interested. I log onto the tracker app instead, check to see if I’ve missed anything. Liam distracted me a little too much yesterday. I’m still confused by his talk of walking away – of leaving Michael, for him. Why would I do that?

  My heart leaps into my mouth as I look closely at Michael’s call log. I did miss something. A call was made to him, from her. From Ava. Just an hour ago; it must’ve happened while I was driving here. She called him.

  I reach into my bag for the headphones I carry around with me, slipping them on to play back that call, my skin prickling as her voice fills my head. A soft voice. A local accent. She wants to see him, sorry, needs to see him. I need him too, but he has no time for me. He has time for her.

  He tells her to come here, to the hotel. She asks him why he’s in a hotel, but he doesn’t tell her the real reason. He makes something up about it being more convenient for his flight later today. He’s lying. She tells him, again, that she needs to see him. He instructs her to meet him outside the bar across the way from reception, and I glance outside to the bar opposite. That storm I thought was coming seems to have given way to a brighter spell, the sun’s out now. People are starting to drift out from the bar to the tables outside, and I crane my neck to see if Michael’s one of them. If she’s one of them. Is she here yet?

  It’s a quick conversation. They arrange to meet and end the call. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut. I keep the phone in my hand, I don’t want to miss anything else, and it’s just seconds before it starts vibrating again. I’ve turned it to silent, I don’t want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself.

  Looking down at the screen I see Liam’s number flash up, and I don’t want to answer it, but I do. He’ll only keep calling if I ignore him.

  ‘Where are you, Ellie?’

  ‘Out. I’m busy going over some notes from a meeting me and Carmen had last week.’

  ‘You couldn’t do that at home?’

  ‘I needed to get out of the house.’

  He stayed over again, last night, because I wanted him to. But today I needed some space, so when he arranged to meet friends for lunch at the pub, I was relieved. I was hoping he’d stay out longer, not notice I was gone until later.

  ‘Are you going to tell me where you are?’

  I look back out of the window, I don’t want to miss Michael. I don’t want to miss Ava. ‘Are you keeping tabs on me?’

  ‘It’s you who’s the expert at that, remember?’

  I say nothing, I don’t offer a response. And then I hear him sigh down the line. He’s realized he shouldn’t have said that, even if it’s true.

  ‘I’m sorry, okay? I just don’t want you doing anything stupid.’

  ‘I’m not doing anything stupid.’ I quickly glance around me, making sure I’m not missing anything. There are so many people milling about, I don’t want Michael to slip by unnoticed. ‘I’ll be home soon. I promise.’

  I end the call, put the phone down on the table in front of me and I look outside again. There’s a small round courtyard separating the reception area where I’m sitting from the bar opposite, but it’s still close enough for me to make people out. To see faces.

  My phone vibrates again. It’s Liam, again, but this time I ignore it, because I can see her now, walking across the circular courtyard, her head down, arms wrapped around herself as she makes her way to the bar. My heart’s hammering so hard as I look for Michael. He told her he’d meet her outside, and then I see him too, coming out of the bar. I see him smile at her, even from this far away I can see his smile. See her return it. He reaches out and touches her arm, guiding her to a table outside and I watch as she sits down; watch as he asks her something. I’m guessing it’s what she’d like to drink because seconds later he goes back inside. It’s all I can do not to go out there, to confront her. I was all ready to do that not so long ago, and I didn’t have half as much evidence as I do now. Now I’m almost one hundred per cent certain this is an affair. This is his secret. His distraction. And yes, I have my own secret, my own distraction, but that mean
s nothing. My secret isn’t dangerous. My distraction is harmless.

  I watch as Michael comes back outside, places the drinks on the table and sits down beside her. She starts talking before he’s even taken his seat, and he places a hand on her arm and says something to her that silences her. She bows her head, looks down at the table. Michael’s still talking. He still has his hand on her arm.

  My stomach twists up into a tight knot. It hurts, but I can’t tear my eyes away from my husband. From her. From the two of them together.

  Ava looks at him again, and I move my head a little, to see if I can get a better view. She’s smiling now. So is he. The liar. The cheat. His betrayal stings, it rips through me like a knife tearing at my skin.

  And then I sense someone approaching my table, and my head snaps around as they sit down opposite me. It’s Liam.

  ‘How did you know where I was?’

  ‘It doesn’t take a genius to work it out, Ellie. You told me Michael was staying at an airport hotel and this is one we’ve both used before, so call it a lucky guess. The way you’ve been acting lately, the way you’ve been talking – I knew this was where you’d be. And your car’s in the car park. But you need to come home now, okay?’

  I turn my head to look back outside. He’s still there, with Ava. My husband, and his distraction.

  ‘He’s over there.’

  I’m guessing Liam follows my gaze, but he doesn’t say anything, not at first.

  ‘He’s with her.’

  ‘Come home, Ellie.’

  I shake my head. ‘I’m not going anywhere, not until I find out whether he’s taking her with him to Cardiff or not.’

  ‘And if he is? What are you going to do, huh? Are you going to – what? Physically drag her away from him?’

  ‘He’s my husband, Liam.’

  ‘For how much longer, Ellie?’

  I turn to face him. Why would he say that? ‘You think I’m just going to stand here and watch while she takes my husband from me?’